


ghosts of ignorance past

by thunderylee



Category: Avenged Sevenfold, Good Charlotte
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Controversial Topics, F/M, Implied Twincest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-08
Updated: 2006-07-08
Packaged: 2019-02-08 01:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12853347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: When all is said and done, there’s nothing left but regrets for the man he never was.





	ghosts of ignorance past

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

It happened faster than one of Brian’s guitar solos. One minute he was on his new motorcycle, his baby, cruising way too fast towards the sunset on California’s coast; the next minute he felt nothing. No violent rumbling beneath his person, no wind blowing forcefully through his hair, no substance to his existence. He felt _nothing_ , and it terrified the shit out of him.

He swept his eyes around his surroundings, taking in the bright colors and overall abstractness of what should have otherwise been an abandoned freeway at dusk. His gaze landed on his wrecked bike, and a stifled choke escaped him as he recognized the tangled mass of limbs underneath.

“Oh, my God,” gasped someone unimportant, a motorist who had probably been right behind Matt the entire time (he had never noticed, never looked back).

It didn’t make sense at all. He hadn’t been anywhere near the solid wall of rock outlining the interior of the two-lane road, yet somehow he had crashed straight into it. Upon further scrutiny, he saw a prominent set of skid marks that left no doubt in his mind that he had, in fact, turned sharply with intent.

“They’ll rule it off as a suicide,” the witness said, echoing Matt’s thoughts.

“I didn’t kill myself,” he protested, defended. Matt Sanders was the least emo kid on Earth. Pigs would sprout wings and fly from his ass before he shed a tear over anything. He loved life – more importantly, _his_ life. He had a great family, a great girlfriend, great friends, and a great band. His life was, in short, great.

When the other man didn’t respond to his declaration or even acknowledge his presence, Matt inwardly corrected himself: his life _had been_ great. If the mangled being smashed between the wall and what was left of his motorcycle was anything to go by, he was dead.

Dead. Matt looked skywards, as though he was lost and needed directions to Heaven. That’s what was supposed to happen, after all; you die and go to Heaven. It’s what was drilled into his head during all those years of Catholic school, anyways.

He had always envisioned Heaven as being whatever he wanted it to be; when he was young, it strongly resembled _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_. As he got older, it morphed into a raunchy strip club much like the one featured in the video for ‘Bat Country’. The place in which he was standing was neither, leading him to a reluctant conclusion.

If Heaven was what he wanted it to be, Hell would be the exact opposite. He wasn’t quite sure what he had done in his lifetime to warrant this eternal torture, but remaining on Earth while not existing was definitely his version of Hell.

He blinked. In the split second before his eyes opened, he knew that something was different. Something was wrong. He was no longer on the coast, hovering over his deceased form; he was now inside a house. At first glance, it looked like a much smaller version of Brian’s place, in that everything Matt recognized belonged to Brian. There was also a strong sense of Zacky, and upon closer examination Matt saw a few of his things as well. The rest, while new to him, alerted Matt to a third person who he couldn’t identify by familiarity but with whom he felt strangely connected.

A bassinette stood in the corner of the cramped living space, its off-white and dusty blue theme clashing horribly with the earth tones of the secondhand furniture. It was out of curiosity that he crossed the room in two strides (if he had been paying attention, he would have noticed that he walked straight through the cluttered coffee table) and peered into the bassinette, and his only thought was that if he was alive and breathing, he would have most likely shit his pants.

The big eyes looking up at him from the chubby and very wriggly body were his. The impeccable hygiene and overall purity of the baby (boy, judging by the blue) contrasted dramatically with the room’s pretense. Matt carefully extended a finger towards the child and almost jumped out of his skin when it went right through him.

The baby looked straight at him and blew a spit bubble, gurgling happily. It warmed Matt’s heart more than anything, if only for the sheer fact that _someone_ could see him.

“Dammit, Zacky, I thought you said he was asleep!”

Brian’s voice was furious and not at all like the man Matt had known all these years. Even when Brian was pissed off to the point where he couldn’t see straight, he had never once taken that tone of voice with anyone, especially Zacky.

“He was!” Zacky’s tense voice screamed back. “It’s not my fucking fault he decided to wake up.”

Matt stepped back from the bassinette, much to the whimpered disappointment of the baby (his son?), in time to see Brian storming into the room. He was certainly looking worse for wear; Matt could only assume that they hadn’t been able to replace him in the band and their careers, as well as the fame and fortune that came standard with it, were over.

But even if they hadn’t received anymore income after his death, it had only been what, almost two years? The baby couldn’t have been more than a year old, and even if Val had gotten pregnant the very last time they had made love, it wouldn’t have been long enough for any of their funds to run out.

“What happened?” Matt asked aloud, knowing that he wouldn’t receive an answer.

Brian froze in his efforts to straighten out the baby’s blankets, and for a moment, a brief, shining moment in the midst of his own personal Hell, Matt thought that Brian had heard him. However, it turned out to be a pause in which Brian’s nose wrinkled to the point of facial disfiguration, and he muttered a few curse words under his breath as he reached for the almost empty diaper bag.

“We’re almost out of diapers,” he called out tonelessly. Matt noticed the faint lines around his friend’s eyes and wondered if more time had passed than he previously thought.

“I’ll just drop everything and go buy some, then,” came Zacky’s retort.

Brian snorted. “It’s not like you do anything else, you lazy asshole.”

Matt’s jaw dropped. In his years of experience, he could recall many instances when Zacky and Brian had spoken those exact words to each other (save for the mention of diapers, of course), but it had always been in good fun. This time, though, there was _feeling_ behind it. The words were spoken with spite and disrespect. Matt never thought that he would see the day when two of his best friends literally hated each other.

An array of slams echoed throughout the otherwise silent house, becoming louder and louder until Zacky’s figure appeared in the doorway. Matt stared at him in shock, taking in the sunken face and scrawny frame; he looked like a shorter version of Brian, but much more unhealthy. His skin hung off of him like it was too big for his body, and Matt noticed that he had to lean against the wall to remain upright.

“Need anything while I’m out?” Zacky mumbled, offering a glance in Brian’s general direction.

Brian sighed. “We need a lot of things.”

Zacky’s irritated expression softened as he walked over to Brian and handed him the baby powder. “It will be okay,” he said comfortingly, placing his arm around the man at whom he had just yelled.

Matt’s confusion only intensified as Brian leaned into Zacky’s embrace, furthermore when Zacky pressed a kiss to Brian’s cheek.

Brian smiled halfheartedly. “Matt would roll over in his grave if he knew what we had become.”

“Somehow,” said Zacky slowly, “that makes it all worth it.”

Matt’s mind went blank. The hurtful words didn’t even have time to marinate in his soul before Zacky and Brian were kissing right in front of him, right in front of his _son_. Matt wanted to pull them away from each other and take turns beating the crap out of them, but he belatedly realized that it would be no use. His efforts would go right through them, as had apparently everything else for which he stood. Now, standing was all he _could_ do while understanding flooded his brain.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” a familiar voice said from behind him as the scene before his eyes became more and more distorted.

“Do you have to be so dramatic?” another familiar voice reprimanded the first, along with something that sounded like a good-natured smack to the head. “The kid’s freaked out enough as it is.”

Zacky, Brian, and the baby disappeared from Matt’s sight as though he had been watching them on television and somebody had suddenly switched off the set. As fast as it had vanished, though, a new scene sprouted forth. He was in a hallway that seemed never ending, with full-length windows on either side, opposite the last two people he expected to see in this poor excuse for an Afterlife.

“Wings don’t suit you,” he said to the shorter one, just because it was the first thing to pop into his head. “And out of the pair of you, I’d never have guessed _Benji_ would be the angel.”

Joel rolled his eyes and placed his hand on his hip. “It’s a long story. I’ll have mine once we’re done with you, and they will be so much bigger than his.”

“No one’s wings are bigger than mine,” Benji said smugly, flapping the five-foot appendages as though to spite his twin.

Joel looked longingly at the pure white feathers and reached his hand up to stroke one.

“Hey!” Benji exclaimed, smacking the hand away. “No touching. That’s what got us here in the first place.”

“I don’t want to interrupt your lover’s quarrel,” said Matt, trying not to look too disgusted, “but since you two are the only people – _creatures_ who can hear me, except for that kid back there, maybe you can tell me -”

“‘That kid back there’?” Joel interrupted, his eyes widening. “Is that how you refer to your own flesh and blood?”

“That’s how I refer to _you_ ,” said Benji, grinning broadly. “Along with a plethora of other phrases, most of which contain naughty swear words that, while inappropriate and maybe even disrespectful, actually describe you perfectly.”

Matt couldn’t help but laugh at the forced pout on Joel’s face. “I can’t begin to imagine what you two could have possibly done to deserve hanging out in _my_ personal Hell.”

“Oh, dear Matthew,” said Benji facetiously. “Do you really think this is Hell?”

“Hell is much worse,” Joel added in the most sober tone Matt had ever heard come out of his – or anyone’s – mouth. “Trust me.”

“And to answer your question,” Benji went on, “I think you have a pretty good idea what we did.”

“What _I_ did,” Joel corrected him before turning to Matt. “He does have the wings, after all.”

“Only because I sacrificed myself in the end,” said Benji. “Although it’s good to know that you’ve learned to take responsibility for your actions in the Afterlife, I was as much at fault as you.”

“What the fuck happened?” Matt demanded loudly, his words echoing down the long hallway.

Joel started to open his mouth, presumably to respond, but Benji shook his head and pointed. “Show him.”

Matt followed Benji’s finger and found himself looking through one of the many windows of the hallway. This particular one showed Val in a hospital bed, looking as though she was in a considerable amount of pain, and Matt fell to his knees.

“What’s wrong with her?” he asked in a small voice.

“She’s pregnant,” Benji answered from behind him. “Well, she _was_ pregnant. This was in the early stages, right after you died.”

“I thought this was my job?” Joel said angrily, initiating a series of shuffles and grunts that led Matt to believe the twins were having an impromptu shoving match while his girlfriend was crying out in front of him.

Joel must have won, because his voice spoke next. “She wasn’t fit to have children, Matt. The pregnancy drained her before the end of her first trimester, and she had to spend the entire time on strict bedrest.”

“Couldn’t she have, you know, gotten rid of it?” Matt questioned reluctantly. “I mean, I would have forgiven her, if she was going to _die_ from it.”

“Believe me, she wanted to,” replied Joel. “Unfortunately, the anti-abortion law was passed the week after you died. She would have been thrown in jail for attempting.”

“You’re kidding,” gasped Matt. “I’d rather she rot in jail than leave a helpless child without his parents.”

“She thought she could tough it out,” said Joel. “Your influence, I suppose. Anyway, long story short, she died in the delivery room. The doctors had to fight to get the baby out before his resources caused more harm than good.”

“Jesus, Joel, you are such an insensitive moron.” Benji sighed exasperatedly. “If you want to earn your wings, you have to be a little more compassionate.”

“It’s impossible to be compassionate towards _him_ ,” Joel hissed.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Matt exclaimed, jumping to his feet and tearing his eyes away from Val.

The twins ignored him and continued their hushed conversation. “I know,” Benji was saying, giving his brother a sympathetic look. “I knew he was going to be difficult, which is why I arranged to come with you. You can do this, Joel.”

Matt watched as Joel’s face filled with nothing short of complete determination. He turned his entire person to face Matt directly and nodded, more to himself than anyone else. “Come on,” he said firmly. “I have a lot more to show you.”

Joel more or less dragged Matt to the next section of the hallway and shoved him against the glass. “Don’t you dare look away,” he ordered. “You need to see this.”

Zacky and Brian sat on the couch in Brian’s old house, appearing much healthier than Matt had seen them earlier, but their faces showed identical expressions of sorrow.

Matt frowned. “Why are they so sad?”

“I thought this one had audio, Benj,” Joel said to his brother.

“It does,” Benji replied. “They’re not talking yet.”

“Is this the wrong one?”

“No. Shut up and let him listen.”

Matt placed both of his hands on the glass as though the action in itself would cheer up his friends. He had never seen them so miserable. He wasn’t sure when he had become such a pussy – probably somewhere between looking into his son’s eyes and being patronized by a pair of angelic yet sinful twins – but his heart literally ached for them.

Zacky spoke first. “It will be okay,” he said soothingly, much like he had in Matt’s first stop on this satirical joyride.

“No, it won’t!” Brian exploded, jumping up from the couch and glaring at Zacky with wounded eyes. “Everyone in that courtroom thinks we’re a pair of flaming fags because of you! There’s no way they’ll let us have the baby now.”

“I really wish you wouldn’t use that word, Brian,” said Zacky quietly. “And I didn’t do anything that I haven’t done a million times before.”

“Not in front of a fucking _judge_ ,” Brian said in a very condescending tone. “Fucking around amongst friends and family is one thing, but dammit, we needed to impress him.”

“You think I’m fucking around?” Zacky replied indignantly, his eyes flashing bright green for the faintest of seconds. “Jesus Christ, we’ve done everything but say the words.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian said unconvincingly; even Matt could tell that he was lying through his teeth.

Zacky shook his head. “Live in your bubble of denial all you want, but realize that Matt’s not here anymore and there’s no longer anyone important who doesn’t approve.”

Brian’s face went slack and he collapsed back onto the sofa, looking completely defeated. “How can you say that about him? He was our friend.”

“He was a friend we had to keep secrets from,” Zacky clarified. “And he is the reason that it took us so long to get here.”

“I’m not fucking gay, Zacky,” Brian spat.

“Neither am I,” said Zacky, “but I love you.”

Brian sighed and fell into Zacky’s arms. “I love you too.”

Once again, Matt’s friends faded to black right in front of him. He slowly lifted his head to face the twins, mentally preparing himself for whatever lecture they had in store for him.

Instead, he was met with identical somber faces. They both looked like they wanted to hug him, and he probably would have let them, but all he said was, “They ended up with the baby though, right?”

Benji and Joel smiled sadly, and Joel placed his hand on Matt’s shoulder. “They did, but not legally. As far as the courts know, Val’s parents have him. His name, by the way, is Matthew.”

“They named him after me?” Matt asked incredulously.

“Did you have any doubt?” Joel replied with a scoff. “Although it wasn’t entirely after you. This last flashback should sort everything out.”

Joel allowed Matt to walk to the next window on his own this time, but didn’t remove his hand from his shoulder, something for which Matt would never in a million years admit that he was grateful. After everything he had already seen, he had no idea what to expect, but a TV news report wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list.

“Pay attention,” Joel instructed softly.

The news reporter’s voice kicked in crystal clear, and Matt couldn’t stop his jaw from dropping as he spoke. “Today, the president reinstated the draft, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the days of Vietnam. Men from all over the country have been summonsed, examined, and tested, and we expect close to thirty thousand new soldiers to join the forces already stationed in Iraq.”

“What the _fuck_?” Matt exclaimed.

“Shhh!” hissed the twins.

The newscast went straight into the living room of Johnny’s parents’ house, where Johnny was doing something that Matt had never seen him do: cry.

It took a moment for Matt to realize that the actual flashback had shifted to different scene and Johnny really wasn’t crying on the news, but that’s all he had time to think about before Johnny spoke.

“I don’t want to go, Mom,” he whined, much like he did when he was sixteen and trying to get out of going to school the morning after playing with the band. “I don’t even care about this damned war.”

Matt frowned. Johnny was nothing if not patriotic; they all were.

“Son,” said Johnny’s dad firmly, “your country wants to you fight for it. You should be honored.”

Johnny narrowed his eyes. “It’s kind of redundant if there’s nothing left to fight for.”

Another scene change, and Matt knew what was coming before anything even happened. All of their families, including a very pregnant Val in a wheelchair, were gathered around a pristine white coffin surrounded by a giant American flag.

“I’ve seen enough,” choked Matt. “Please, make it stop.”

Joel looked helplessly at Benji, who nodded and somehow made the flashback cease.

“I don’t understand,” Matt said in a desperate, rushed voice. “I didn’t provoke any of this, except maybe Brian and Zacky’s prolonged misery, but at least they’re still alive. And I don’t even want to know what happened to Jimmy.”

“He died when Russia bombed Los Angeles,” Joel said bluntly. “As did we.”

“I said I didn’t want to know,” spat Matt. “And _what_?”

“Well, we didn’t die in the actual _bombing_ ,” Benji clarified. “We weren’t in L.A. at the time, but we were close enough to feel the effects. You know California and its earthquakes.” He shrugged. “Anyways, Joel and I were driving along, going somewhere unimportant, when the ground started vibrating uncontrollably to the point where it was threatening to push his SUV off the road and down this cliff. I unfastened his seat belt and pushed him out of the car just before it went over the edge, which is how I sacrificed myself and got my awesome wings.”

“I died like five minutes later, but whatever,” Joel said haughtily.

Benji grinned. “Just accept the fact that I am still cooler than you in the Afterlife, bro.”

“Excuse me,” Matt said pointedly. “Why did Russia bomb Los Angeles?”

“Why did the U.S. get involved in World War Two?” Benji retorted. “There were a lot of countries who didn’t like what ours was doing to the Middle East, Matt. It got to the point of ‘bomb now, identify the bodies later’, and apparently some of the other countries we’ve pissed off in the past decided to give us a taste of our own medicine.”

“It was World War Three,” Joel added. “We weren’t the only casualties. Last I heard, half of the country has been wiped out from the bombings alone. That doesn’t even count the many, _many_ soldiers who have died in Iraq along with Johnny.”

“Why are you showing me this?” Matt asked. “This is supposed to be my life flashing before my eyes, right? You’re supposed to be showing me every stupid thing I’ve ever done in my life so that I will beg for forgiveness in order to be accepted into Heaven.”

Joel frowned. “I’m afraid not, Matt. The thing is, you’re not anywhere near dead. You’re lying in a hospital bed, partially unconscious, but otherwise physically fine. Everything you’ve seen – the accident, your son, _us_ – have been figments of your imagination.”

“Now who’s being dramatic?” Benji teased.

“You’re seeing all of this because you want to.” Joel shrugged. “Your conscience is trying to tell you something, I guess.”

“Tell me _what_?” Matt screamed. “I don’t want the world to end up that way, and I certainly don’t want everyone I love to die or be miserable, but who am I to do anything about it?”

“Who is anyone to do anything?” Benji replied cryptically.

“I don’t understand,” said Matt again.

Joel sighed. “If I spell it out for you, will you give me some awesome wings?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Matt shook his head in disbelief.

“Deal.” Joel grinned. “And make them bigger than Benji’s.”

“Will you just fucking tell me so I can wake up?” Matt demanded.

“You can love your country by supporting the freedom on which it was founded,” Joel said crisply, as though he were reading from a textbook. “You are old enough to form your own opinions and differentiate between what you think is right and what other people approve of. Love your friends by accepting who they are and, most of all, how they love each other.”

“I already do that,” Matt insisted. “Really, I do.”

“Know that one thing leads to another,” Joel went on as though Matt hadn’t spoken. “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It’s the laws of physics. All those things you saw tonight? Could possibly happen if certain members of the government have their way. All they have to do is persuade a majority of the voting public, and: women could lose the right to make a decision that affects their health, same-sex couples could be further ostracized from society to the point of poverty, and World War Three could in fact commence and wipe out half of our country’s population.”

“What are you saying?” Matt asked skeptically.

Joel rolled his eyes and looked helplessly at Benji again.

“Okay, fine,” Benji gave in. “But now you’re definitely getting smaller wings than me. Matt, listen up. It’s like this: think what you _feel_ , not what you’re told, and let other people live their lives in peace. If that still doesn’t make sense to you, take a look around.”

Matt opened his mouth to question them yet again, but now they were the ones slowly swirling away. They disappeared completely and left Matt alone in the pitch darkness, accompanied only by his aching head.

Matt froze. His aching head? He hadn’t physically _felt_ anything this entire time. Was he finally waking up?

His arm was completely numb as he opened his eyes, but that was probably due to his very blurry girlfriend sleeping on it. “Hey, beautiful,” he whispered, his voice groggy and without depth.

“Oh, my God,” an excited whisper broke the monotonous sound of beeps. “Matt!”

Matt smiled painfully. “Calm down, Zacky, you’re beautiful too.”

Val blinked and looked at him with tear-filled eyes. “Am I dreaming?”

“I don’t know anymore,” he answered honestly.

An irritated groan and a scuffle sounded from across the room, and Matt could focus enough to see that Zacky was trying to push Brian out of his lap. “He’s awake, man. You have to get up.”

“He doesn’t have to do shit but eat, sleep, and pay taxes,” Matt said gruffly. “And I could really give a fuck if you two are together.”

Brian lifted his head and stared through hooded lids at Matt, making a face. “They must have given you some good drugs.”

Behind him, Zacky smiled slightly. At first Matt thought he had imagined it, until Val kissed his nose and whispered, “I knew you’d come around.”

Matt chose to ignore her for the time being. “Where are Johnny and Jimmy?”

“Johnny’s trying to get into some nurse’s pants,” Brian said with an amused snort. “He said you should fall asleep at the wheel more often, if only so he can score some ‘hot medicinal chicks’.”

“I fell asleep?” Matt repeated.

“And Jimmy ran to get some McDonald’s,” Brian went on, “because _princess_ here wants some chicken nuggets.”

“He’s talking about me,” Val clarified as Matt’s eyes focused on Zacky.

“Since when do you like chicken nuggets?” Matt asked.

Val grinned. “Since I’m pregnant.”

Somewhere in the back of Matt’s head, a bell rang.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [angels, close your eyes to this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12853335) by [thunderylee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee)




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